I Don’t Like Horses :)

Today I wore my new pendant at work. One of our customers looked at it and said (in German) “I didn’t know you like horses”. I just replied “I don’t”. LOL I totally love these adorable moments when BDSM-lifestyle and normal people meet each other πŸ™‚

When you’ve been here for longer, you know that I still struggle with my kinks (if you want to read more about it, try this). Recently I’ve been talking a lot about BDSM with my therapist. He’s not always been been too supportive of my lifestyle, but in the past few months and after a sort of fight we had about it, he tries to be a bit more open-minded. To be honest, I have considered going to another therapist, but there aren’t too many in the area I live in and most of them have you waiting for months and months before they even want to talk to you (even f you pay privately like I do anyway).

I have tried to work hard on my judgements over myself, but I still feel like there are at least three or four versions of me, perhaps even more. Though I know they are only parts of my self, sometimes they feel like they have their own body and personality. Blaubeermann is the nice guy from next door, helpful, polite, the “worker” and “maintainer”. Ginny is the cute girl, she’s shy and silly and funny, she needs a lot of love and cuddles. Ginny’s dark side is Gina, the dog whore. And I guess the dark side of Blaubeermann doesn’t even have a name. He’s the part of me I fear most, though he brings me a lot of pleasure. He’s the one who would allow John to kill him, and he’s connected with the most painful, disgusting and dangerous things.

Additionly there may be some other parts of me, like the Yoga guy or the girl who is W’s best friend. I don’t know.

Well, what I intended to say: I have really started to appreciate the different parts of me and that BDSM is a kind of therapy for me. I know I couldn’t share it with most people who consider themselves Doms (because they are not dominant enough, eventually), but I can share it with John. And I totally love the way BDSM is present in my everyday life.

 

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Sissygasms And A Present

From the beginning of September on I’ve been locked in again. John had told me that I wouldn’t be allowed to cum until the end of this year as a punishment for a Sissygasm I had when a guy fucked me. If you’ve been reading my blog for a while you might know that it took me ages and an awful lot of practise to experience an orgasm just from being fucked without any direct stimulation. But now as my body has accomplished to cum without my clit getting stroked once, I’m obviously able to experience Sissygasms more regularly if not each and every time I get fucked. That’s amazing and I totally love it!

The problem was of course that John had told me I wasn’t allowed to cum, but he kept using me daily. Of course he witnessed that I had to struggle not to cum and at a certain point he really loved to push me over the edge. I felt bad about it, but I was surprised when he cuddled me afterwards and told me what a good gurl I was. I was like, uhm, really? Obviously my sweet husband loves the fact that I’m able to cum like a girl now, just from being fucked. So I’m a lucky gurl and am allowed to have Sissygasms, but still no orgasms from touching my clit. Isn’t that beautiful? I love it!

Yesterday when he came home from work, he had brought a present with him. Wrapped in pink paper πŸ™‚ It was a little pendant, a little horse, with a chain. He put it around my neck. I exactly knew what this meant. Do you know as well? πŸ™‚

Shopping!

What a weird summer this had been, don’t you think? I guess the best thing you can say about it is that it’s probably over now. I hope we’ll have a nice and cozy autumn instead.

Today I went shopping with my crossdressing friend Andrea and oh gurl, I think I bought too much again. It’s actually quite funny how different the different sides of my wardrobe look like. On the one side I just have six pairs of trousers, some shirts, two jackets and some sportswear, on the other side there are tons and tons of lingerie, skirts, dresses and blouses. Why’s that? I guess just because female clothing is so much nicer to buy and wear than male clothing, isn’t it? It’s more colourful and interesting, at least to me.

For a while now I’ve been wearing female clothes to work as well and most people do accept that. I found out that wearing skirts or dresses for work is not as comfortable as wearing jeans and a nice shirt, just because I have to carry a lot of stuff around and well, some of the boxes are a bit dusted with earth as well, and I don’t like my dresses to get dirty. But to be honest, the hardest part of crossdressing is not overdoing it. I usually pass better when I cut down on frills and furbelows πŸ™‚

Some months ago I decided to have me cut a fringe, because of course I have the typical M-shaped hairline all males have and with that fringe I can hide that very well. Moreover, it added a certain femininity to my looks, even if I’m not dressed up at all.

So, during this autumn I’ll be wearing a lot of “leggings” and skirts and because I have found the perfect boots to go with them, I may even pass better. I’m so glad they now sell women’s shoes up to size 45 in some shops!

Not Being Seen

Last weekend, I went out with my crossdressing friend Andrea, W and M, because John had to work overhours. It was the first time I’ve been to a disco in many, many years and I have avoided having to dance my whole life through. I was nervous, because I went as Ginny. I wanted to look naturally and not like a discoqueen, so I just put on discreet make up and I wore jeans and a shirt. I feared not being allowed to enter the club, but we had no problems with getting in. Inside, W got us drinks and we stood around for a while, until Andrea wanted to dance. She persuaded me to join her. Again I feared harrassment, but everyone seemed to be fine with us being around. It took me so much, but after the first dance I loved it! I had only wished John would have been there. He wouldn’t have trusted his eyes πŸ˜€

After a while, we returned to the bar and ordered drinks, and when Andrea had finished hers, she went back to the dancefloor, but I wanted to rest another moment. A man came over to me. He had danced near us and now asked me whether he could invite me to a drink. I said he might. We talked or rather shouted at each other and after he while we danced with each other and just had fun. I could clearly sense he liked me and I liked him, too, because he was kind and sweet.

I excused me and went to the toilets. I texted John about that man and he just texted back “enjoy yourself, but no cumming”. You know, I still don’t have the Birdlock on and he controls me, but in that moment I just thought how much I missed my cage…

I returned to that man and we chatted, danced and drank some more (I switched to juice because I don’t tolerate alcohol that well). I didn’t stop him when he tried to kiss me and when he asked me whether I would accompany him outside, I said yes. When we came out of the club, I was deaf πŸ™‚ He had his car down the street and drove us to a quiet spot in that area. I told him that I needed to tell him something, and he just said “I know you’re not a real girl….”. We had to laugh, and I explained that he was right, but that that wasn’t actually what I was talking about. I explained to him that I am owned and in chastity, though I don’t wear a device right now. I could see how much he liked that. He said how amazing that was and if that meant that I was just to take care of him and that he wouldn’t have to satisfy me. Well, yes. He got really aroused by that thought and it didn’t take long to make him cum for the first time. Later, I let him fuck me outside the car and it was so intense that I edged several times. You know, after not being able to cum by being fucked alone for a long time, I now am able to have Sissygasms from penetration alone, and in fact they’re really intense.

He just kept fucking me and the whole stimulation and situation somehow pushed me over the edge. When I felt it cumming, I knew it was wrong, but on the other hand I didn’t want it to stop. It was just too good. Later, he brought me back to the club where me spend a little more time with each other. When Andrea, W and M wanted to go, I told him goodbye and we didn’t exchange our numbers.

When I came home, John was already asleep, so I went to have a shower and fell asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow.

The next morning, I was awake before John and snuggled up beside him. I knew I had to tell him and when he woke up, I did. First, he didn’t reply in any way and I feared he would yell at me or be disappointed. But suddely he smiled and pet my hair. If you’ve been reading this blog for a while, you know that a smiling, gentle John is most times more likely to be cruel than a yelling John, so I expected the worst. And it came. He still stroke my hair when he said with his calm, kind voice: “Sweetie, you’ve been a good gurl telling me you failed. I appreciate that”. He kissed me on my forehead. “But you have failed so miserable that I feel it is my duty to help you back on track. Today you go back into the Birdlock. No cumming until the end of this year. Hearty congratulation, honey”.

I could say whatever I wanted, he didn’t react to any of my explainations or excuses and just told me to bring him the device. He locked me back in and that’s it now. No cumming anymore this year.

Of course I’m sad about that and I know this will be very, very hard, but on the other hand that experience was simply beautiful. I was so afraid of being harrassed out there as Ginny, but I just had a nice night, and of course it was amazing being wanted as a gurl. I think I pass very well now and if I want it, I pass unseen. What more could I wish for? I mean, except from being allowed to cum? πŸ˜€