Yesterday evening I had a chat with a T-gurl from the U.S. We’ve been texting for some months now and she has told me that it’s her biggest dream to be allowed to go on chemical castration by testosterone blockers, and later on she wants to take estrogen to develop a more female physique and yes, boobies. Since last week she has accomplished her first goal and is now on testosterone blockers. She told me her doctor fully approved of her decision and that he supports her thoroughly. Well, I have to admit that I feel a bit jealous and even sad. Don’t get me wrong, I’m so glad she can fulfill her dreams and all, but I still feel like here in Germany there’s nobody there to support me. If I was a transgirl, then things would be different, but there’s not much understanding for people like me who don’t fit in. I had even one doctor telling me I should decide whether I wanted to be a man or a woman. I mean, seriously? Sometimes I feel it would be the best for me to “just” give up being a part time boy, part time gurl, but I can’t. When I try to stop being Ginny, I get depressed and tend to hurt myself, so what is it good for?
Saturday night John and I attended a private BDSM party. Beforehand he told me I could suck and fuck with whoever I wanted, but no cumming for me, not even Sissygasms. To be honest, I’ve become quite successful in cumming by being fucked alone and I love it 🙂 Anyway, by the end of this evening I could add a lot of points and stickers to my list, and I felt so good and used afterwards. Lately I’m thinking a lot about the fact that I can really feel myself when I get used and that I have difficulties to feel myself in everyday life. I guess there are more psychological explainations for that, but I like to think of myself as a whore who feels happy about herself when she’s doing her job right.
At the moment I sincerely consider if chemical castration might be a thing for me. It would make erections harder to archieve and softer in general, so chastity and sissification would feel more natural, and it even could lead to some sort of breast growth. But on the other hand, I’m still really concerned about the fact that a low testosterone level might make me more depressed and lead to more self-harm and stuff.
Next month John and I will be in Thailand and in some ways I fear being confronted with all the beautiful ladyboys there. I know I will envy them. Before we go there I will go to see a surgeon in Poland who obviously doesn’t care if I’m not trans and maybe after the holidays in Thailand I might finally come to a decision due to boobies. For a while now I find it hard to deal with the impulse to cut or otherwise hurt my flat chest, but John keeps telling me that if I add scars to the scars I already have, it might keep doctors from wanting to perform surgery on me. Yeah, I know he’s right, but anway, it’s hard. Especially when John denies to hurt me because he thinks I’m too open or vulnerable.