In many ways I felt humiliated by the mere presence of all those beautiful ladyboys in Thailand. Sometimes when John ordered me to go out all dressed up, I knew people were looking down on me like I was crap, and indeed I felt like shit compared to the ladyboys. I have nothing of their grace and beauty, and I’m 20 years older than most of them. To be honest, I was shocked by how young they were, just 18 or 20, and so professional in any way. I mean, how they flirted with John (or us, if I was clad the male way) and how the sex with them was. All very professional, very clean and well organized. I know some years ago I would have felt bad for them, but now I just thought, well, that’s the deal here, and it was okay to deal with it that way.

Sometimes John just made me watch them, and it was hard being told how old and ugly I am compared to them, though I knew he was right and though it made my clit tickle. But for me this constant humiliation during our holidays was a long needed and desired reminder of who I am. I appreciate the way John loves me, but when I get treated too nicely, it makes me insecure. I need to feel the boundaries and the pain, otherwise I turn against myself.

One morning after breakfast we were sitting outside. I had his cock in my throat, drooling all over me, being slapped and ordered about. He came on my face, then pissed on me, slapped me again, told me how nasty and ugly I am and I could not help but cumming just because he rubbed his leg against my clit. He didn’t allow me to change and said in the sun my clothes would be dry in minutes. He was right, but you could still see the stains. When his cum in my face had dried, it became crusty. He didn’t mind and I had it still on me when we left the hotel. I guess that’s one thing that makes holidays so precious: I can be a slut very openly because we don’t know anyone around. I don’t mind strangers seeing my in disgrace.

I don’t mind either when the staff knows what I’m good for. I was caged all days, but I had brought more than one device and left it in the bathroom on the counter. You could tell they had touched it, because it was dislocated in the evenings after they had cleaned. Did I mind? Not at all. I didn’t mind if they could hear me next door when John spanked or fucked me or when they saw him fingering the other gurl on our balcony. Yeah, sometimes I wish we could go on like that at home as well.

The past weeks had me think a lot about the term “proudly owned”. I’m a proud slut, that’s for sure 🙂

Over the years I found that most men who claim to be dominant/sadistic are not, at least in my humble opinion. For them being dominant/sadistic just means they cannot discipline themselves and therefore like to be bossy and assholes with others. That’s just boring and it feels wrong. I think being dom/sadistic has much to do with being able to take responsibility for oneself and for the sub. Knowing their limits, respecting their will to obey, their need for pain and degradation. To be frank, I think being dom/sadistic is very much about the sub, unless you are an asshole. It’s easy to ruin someone, but there are only few people who respect a sub for their will to be hurt. I find that strange, but it’s a fact, most “doms” despite subs for being sub. Or “that” sub I am, for example. I guess that has to do with certain values they were brought up to, if that sounds reasonable.


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