Do As You Please

I’m getting a bit sentimental these days, as I always do when a year comes to its end. I had big plans for this year, but I wasn’t really able to accomplish any of them. The only thing I managed to do was to work more, and actually I work 20 hours a week now. That’s how much John works on two very normal days LOL The most frustrating thing about 2017 is that I didn’t really get one step closer to having boobs. After Thailand I have intensified contact with some trans-people and I was able to figure out that being trans doesn’t necessarily involve having your cock cut off LOL Obviously being trans can be defined as “not being comfortable in your birth-gender or in its gender-role in society” as well, and then obviously I’m sort of trans or at least might be. My therapist recently told me that he always knew I had “trouble” with my gender-role and that was the most awkward session we ever had LOL He says we will never be able to figure out whether I’m a real kind of trans-person or more like a fake-kind-of-trans-person, due to the abuse. Obviously being severly abused from a very young age on can lead to your personality breaking into several personalities, and even though I don’t suffer from multiple personality disorder, my wish to be impotent and the more female part can be the result of having to be the female for my father. Yup, that makes sense. I don’t even feel bad about that and I guess it’s really insane and distorted, but I get aroused by the fact that my father fucked me into never even trying to be a real male LOL My therapist says that my case is very complicated, because if I’m only that sort of fake-trans-by-childabuse-person, hormones wouldn’t be the best way to treat me. And this means: even more years of worthless, shitty therapeutic sessions to find out that yes, my father destroyed what might have become a personality and instead made me a useful, greedy bitch that hates its body, gender, life and all, but without even getting the chance to have boobs and be impotent LOL

I consider telling him lies and telling everyone lies who has the power to decide whether or not I can get hormones. People don’t get shocked when you tell them you were born in the wrong body, but they get shocked when you tell them the truth: that you just want to be inferior, because that’s how you really feel, maybe because of the abuse, but you really feel like worthless scum and want to have a body that’s made to be humiliated and used. I want to be impotent, I just want to be a set of holes with two nice boobs, because that’s how I feel ever since. I want to be the worthless slut I always was, for everyone to see. If that’s trans to you, then I’m trans. If that’s broken and insane to you, well, then I’m broken and insane. I don’t care too much about that, I just want things to start to change.

In my eyes it’s just pure irony that most therapists think that you’re on a good way to recovery when you mourn being a victim and struggle against it, but that they think you are really insane and helplessly ill when you embrace being a victim and love it. Sometimes it just makes me mad that someone who didn’t go through hell wants to tell me how to get out of it, even though I found my own way of coping with it and accepting what it did to me. At the moment I don’t know whether I shall continue to go to see my therapist, because everything he says doesn’t really help me. I don’t understand why he can’t accept that being broken is fine for me. At least he admitted that he’s not a specialist in these things and in January he will make an appointment for me with someone who is. At the moment I don’t see any use for that, because I think he will also just tell me that we need much more sessions and BLAH BLAH BLAH But anyway.

Above all, the Holiday season always makes me a bit sad and I can never accomplish what my brother wants from me. This year I wore trousers and a shirt with a tie and I felt so ridiculous that I played with a fork underneath the table cloth until I bled, but nobody noticed, apart from John at home. I guess appearing normal is vital and it keeps everyone happy apart from me, so I smear a big old grin into my face to keep everyone happy apart from myself.

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Home Alone

Master left me home alone, locked in and with a too small plug up my ass. I wish someone would come around and rape the craps out of me.

Needless to say that he’s having his fun right now with someone else, who is younger and in better shape than I am.

Ugh.

Icy Clothes

On Wednesday I had a really strange note in my Advent calender: soak a shirt and some sweater trousers and freeze them for an hour, then put them on and clean the bathroom.

I thought that would be fun and very easy, but I was wrong. I soaked my clothes as I was told. Because I had to fold them to make them fit into the freezer, I had to unwrinkle and unfold them before I could even think of putting them on. They were hard and hurt my skin. First I put on the trousers. The worst part about that was that my cock shrinked like really into my body. It was so cold. The shirt didn’t make it any better. At least I needed about 20 minutes to get into all the clothes, and that was stupid, beause if I had been faster, it would have been over sooner.

When I had it all on my body, I was shaking because it was so cold. John watched me and laughed at me. I was really thankful or the warm water while cleaning the bathroom, but especially my private parts were very, very uncomfortable.

When I was finished, I was allowed to take the clothes off and take a warm shower. The best thing ever 🙂

John said it was fun watching me suffer, and later, when we sat in the livingroom (of course I was on the floor) he made me besmear myself with his mint toothpaste under the nose. Another gorgous moment of agony.

I hate being cold, even though I’m usually not too squeamish, and the burning sensation in my nose and eyes was just evil. Got me wet immediately.

I totally love this Advent calender. I wish it would last longer…

 

Not Allowed On The Sofa

Two days ago I picked a note from John’s advent calender which stated: “From now on until Xmas the dog is not allowed on the sofa”. When I was embarrassed by it, John had to laugh real hard and said I look disappointed. He thought I should look happy because I only picked it on December 11th and not earlier. I know he was right and I was ungrateful.

So since Monday I’m sitting on the floor when I’m in the livingroom. I’m not even allowed to have a blanket, because my blanket is in my car now. Why? Because the dog surely isn’t allowed on the car seats as well! But as the dog needs to go to work and do its chores, it has to be able to drive its car. That’s why.

Sometimes he throws me a Spekulatius cookie and I have to take it with my mouth off the floor. It gets me wet and horny to be treated like that and like any good dog I’m obedient and sweet.

Humiliating Clothes

Yesterday’s note in my Advent calender said I should dress in humiliating clothes and go to work like this. So I did today. In my opinion there are different kinds of humiliating wardrobe, for example all the slutty stuff that merely covers my body and tells everyone what a whore I am. On the other hand, quite normal looking wardrobe can be humiliating as well, for example if it’s too tight or too short or by any means silly.

For me it’s very important how I look. Not that I’m really vain, but I fear to look ridiculous. I don’t really like to put shirts inside my trousers for example, because I think that makes my ass look fat. And I don’t like short trousers when I wear men’s clothes. There are more things I usually avoid. I think this is connected to my childhood and youth when my father decided what I had to wear. He loved to give me clothes that were numbers too big for me and he always said that’s because I will grow quickly and then fit into. I never did, I just looked stupid. On the other hand, when I grew older, he made me wear too small shoes so that my feet hurt all the time and today I have trouble with corns and all. So as you can see, there are a lot of possibilities for humiliating clothes.

For today I chose to wear a diaper with a tight jeans and a pullover that ends just above the ass, so that I thought my diapers were really good to spot. I was nervos when I got to work, but I found that as long as you yourself pretend that everything’s normal nobody seems to care. When you start to show insecurity or even worse, if you begin to apologize for what you are wearing, then people sense that there’s something wrong. I was nervous and felt uncomfortable, but all went well. John liked the picture I sent him 🙂

Today’s note said that hidden in a kitchen drawer I’d find a new toy to stuff my arse with. What I found on the designated spot was a very hard and spiky massage ball. Ugh. I know this will hurt, especially when I’ll try to get it out again, just like the chestnuts do every autumn.

 

Irreversible

Last weekend John and I were invited to W’s and M’s for dinner and to watch a movie after eating. We had planed to watch another film, but during the dinner M talked about a movie he had recently seen and that had shocked him so much that he had to interrupt it several times before he was able to finish it: Irreversible from Gaspar Noé. I had seen it before, and as I have to admit I just saw it because I knew it caused a scandal because of its long rape scene. So John, W and I agreed on watching this movie, but M told us that if one of us wouldn’t feel comfortable with it, we should tell him so that we could stop the film.

Well, when it came to the rape scene I could feel W getting nervous and I could also feel John getting excited. Moreover, I got hard right away and wished so much for to be in her place. Later we talked about it and I tried to point out how artistic the movie was (it actually is). On our way home John and I sat in the darkness in his car and he said “You’d loved to be in her place” and I just said “yes”. He drove us a bit further to a dark parking place. It’s usually the parking lot of a school, but on Saturday evenings there is no one there. He took me right there, in the cold, pretending to rape me and rip me open. I came twice.

Later I thought about my rape fetish. It’s not that I only love rape-play and pretending to be raped. I actually love being raped. I like the pain and being overpowered and just taken and used. I had to struggle so much with that, but nowadays I can accept that I am broken. I love the fact that John adores my brokenness and is able to love and support me nevertheless. Moreover, he’d be in trouble if he’d rape someone who wouldn’t like it and he’d never do that, but it’s just that we fit together so nicely. I will never get tired of our beautiful, perverted relationship 🙂

December Is There :)

It’s gotten really cold here and I needed some new winter clothing for Ginny. I’ve ended up with a cute coat, a pair of jeans with some butterfly ornaments on it and two pullovers with a lot of glitter. This year the designers have added a lot of glitter and pearls to their stuff, and I love it 🙂 For a while now, they are selling pyjama overalls/jumpers. Most times they only have cute ones with ears for kids, but this time I found one for me and it’s totally adorable 🙂 Just a bit narrow in the shoulders, but that’s alright.

This year I feel quite different about Christmas and the Holiday season. It always put quite some presure upon me, but this year I’m eager to make it an enchanted time for my Love and myself. Leo will be spending 10 days around Christmas with us, and I’m really looking forward to seeing him. It’s been too long. I have already started decorating the house, and at work we are selling Christmas trees from now on. John surprised me with an Advent calendar. Each day I am to pick a folded note from a bag and have to fulfill what it has written on it. For today I was lucky. I picked “treat yourself”, and I chose a cupcake from work, but John has already told me that there are some really nasty ones in there, too 🙂 I love this so much! Also, he allowed me to write a wish list for Christmas, including material and immaterial things, and I am excited about what he will actually let me have.

All in all I’m really beginning to like that Christmas stuff and I hope all you wonderful perverts out there are having a great Holiday season as well! 😀