Do I Really Believe It?

When talking to people who are not into BDSM, one of the question they mostly ask is whether I really believe all these things like being inferiour to John and other Alphas, that pain is nice, that rape play is really a game and does not affect my already broken soul and stuff like that. I try to be a kind person, so I normally take those questions serious and try to answer them, but obviously I fail most times with my explainnations. I’m not vanilla enough LOL

Yes, I truly believe that I’m an inferiour being. But that being said I want to add that I don’t consider that to be a bad thing. What’s most important is that you have a Dom or owner or however you like to call your counterpart who is appreciative of what and who you are. If you’re into being a fuckpig, but nobody appreciates that and nurtures your natural desire to be a fuckpig, well, that’s just sad. So when you really feel like you’re inferiour but nobody appreciates you for that or tells you all the time to “man up”, gather more self-confidence and become a superiour person yourself, that’s just useless and painful. I deeply believe that you should be able to live out what you feel inside. If you’re a painwhore, find someone who adores you for your ability to suffer a lot of pain. If you’re a little, find yourself a caregiver to put you into diapers. See, I’m an inferiour sub, an obedient whore and painslut for my Master and I can’t think of anything more fulfilling. It’s just not everyone’s cup of tea.

Yes, I find pain very sweet and seductive. Usually I can differentiate between pain that is meant to be nice and “just pain”. But I have to admit that the borders are a bit fluid. When I broke my arm, I didn’t get wet. When my dentist does things to me, I fear the pain extraordinarily. On the other hand I enjoyed it quite a lot when I had a bladder infection LOL All the pain John inflicts on me (and lets other inflict on me) is consensual. I could tell him to stop each and every moment. Usually people use safewords, but nowadays we do no longer. Why? Because we know each other very well and trust each other. I trust him with my life. He’s more carefully with me that I am myself.

No, I can’t always understand John’s reaction to my reaction. When he hurts or humiliates me and I witness he gets aroused I don’t understand why. I just know what he likes. I’m a masochist, he’s a sadist. We fit perfectly well, but he has no submissive feelings and I have no dominant feelings.

Yes, probably you can explain why I am the way I am. I was abused and hurt a lot during the first 21 years of my life and at some point my damaged brain decided to like it to cope with it. It’s that simple. Obviously there are other reasons for being sub, probably genetics. John is dominant because one day he found out that hitting a boy was better than kissing him. It’s not very complicated. You are what you are.

No, I don’t fear to harm my already broken soul with my sexuality. I tried to get along without sex and without BDSM. It just built up unbearable pressure. It’s a huge part of my personality. I feel good when I feel pain. I love being used, humiliated and tortured. John knows my borders (actually I don’t really have borders apart from scat, kids, animals, vomit and severe burns) and he moves within them. He stretched them and I’m alright with that. If you don’t evolve, why then play at all?



Altered Identity

At the end of May I had the opportunity to talk to the second therapist who is specialized in those gender matters. I was nervous again, but not as much as during the talk with the first doctor. Nevertheless it was a big help that John accompanied me. He asked me the same things, more or less, and he asked John to join in the conversation as well. In the end, he told me that he, too, would come to the conclusion that I had gender issues that can’t be specified. He told me that he thinks I should continue trauma therapy, but that he also thinks it might me helpful for me to stay on antidepressants and that he would recommend I get a treatment with hormones, if I want to. He said that it doesn’t happen only in rare cases that people who underwent severe abuse develop a certain kind of altered identity and he recommended finding a therapist who is specialized in gender stuff as well, because he thinks that it’s an important question when and why Ginny developed. He thinks Ginny must have developed during my childhood, even though I don’t recall it. Well, a lot of more work to do.

Next thing is an appointment with a doctor specialized in hormones. Before I can get blockers or estrogene, they have to make sure I’m genetically male as well. Both psychiatrist said that they don’t doubt it, but that’s how they do it here in Germany. Moreover, they have to make sure that everything’s alright with me, before they can give me hormones. During the process it might be that I have to increase my daily dose of antidepressants or change the substance again, because usually estrogene creates depressions. That sucks hard time, but we’ll see.

Ironically at the moment I enjoy both, being outside as Ginny and with my usual Blaubeermann self as well. Getting so much unexpected support just does me good. In the moment I have the feeling that my therapist might not be the ideal person to work with for me. He’s good in what he does, but I don’t feel like he’s supporting me in this gender thing. At the moment I’m trying to find someone else to work with as well (or instead).

With having now these two expertises that say I’m trans it would be possible in Germany to change my name and social status. That’s weird! And that’s a thing I certainly don’t want to do.

What else? To be honest, I enjoy my sexuality even more at the moment. John supports me with face slaps whenever, cute rape play and severe pain, which keeps me horny forever, because I’m still in the device. No cummies for me.

Treatment For Offenders

These days we can read a lot about a severe case of child abuse here in Germany. A mother and her boyfriend have abused her son for two years and sold him to other men. As usual the press can’t really express their disgust and even if everyone claims to be shocked and overwhelmed by such evil, they all hunger for more details.

It brought me to think about offenders again and even though I suffered for almost 21 years, I still believe that they are insane and need therapeutical and medical help. I don’t judge a person for being a pedophiliac, but I judge and hate them for what they do. I know very well that not every person who is pedophiliac carries their needs out on children, and especially those are in desperate need for therapy to teach them ways to deal with their nature. We need more programs for prevention. It’s too late to be shocked when a child was already harmed. In my opinion we should finally overcome that taboo and no longer shame people for their nature, but help them to find ways to cope with it.

Of course I wonder if my father would have had the balls to talk about his nature and change something about that. I wonder if he ever felt the need to talk about that and get help. For me, it’s too late.