In the past few days I’ve been a bad gurl and did some things my Master didn’t want me to do. I stuffed my face with unhealthy food, then I starved myself for some time without being honest about it. I didn’t shower myself every day. I cut myself. I didn’t go to my Yoga class, neither I went running. Instead I numbed myself with binge-watching stupid stuff on Netflix. I didn’t do all my chores as I’m supposed to. And worst of all, I tried to ask John not to fuck me when he needed relief. So, as a punishment, he left me home alone with the order to write this here and explain why I did it while he is having fun with another guy who wants to be the obedient fuckdoll I should always be for him.
I let myself go in the past days because I wasn’t able to feel myself properly. I thought it wouldn’t do me any harm to eat sugary rubbish and before I knew what had happened, I had eaten so much of it that I felt sick (2 bags of Katjes, almost 1 bag of marshmallow-stuff, 2 slices of cake, 3 bars of chocolate, some cookies and some ice cream). I have to admit I was a greedy pig. When I felt the nausea kick in, I wanted to vomit it all out again, but it didn’t work and I didn’t want anyone to hear me. So I thought it would be best to eat nothing for a few days to cure my nausea and not to get fat. I lied to John when he asked me why I didn’t eat anything for dinner. I said I wasn’t hungry and had already eaten. I’m supposed to always be honest to him, and I lied several times. I know it’s an unhealthy behaviour for me as I struggle with eating disorders, but I just drank water and some coffee for almost 4 days.
I didn’t shower myself because I couldn’t bear to look at me naked. I was disgusted by myself and didn’t want to see my ugly body naked. When I got naked when I attempted to take a shower, I could not bear myself and took a kitchen knife to cut myself. I started by just touching myself with the blade, then I cut into my left arm and into my chest, but most times into my arm. I had hoped for it to relief my self-hatred, but it did not. Later on I hated myself for the cuts and tried to hide them away from John. I know that was another lie, because a lie is not only something wrong you say but also something you keep for yourself or hide away.
I didn’t go to my Yoga class nor did I do other sports during this week because I just felt numb and pitied myself. It was easier to let myself go than to take care for me in a proper, adult way. By that I disobeyed the rules given to me by my Master with great care, and I feel ashamed for that. I knew better, but I chose to be a lazy pig instead of a good person. I know I am supposed to keep my body in good, healthy shape for my Master and for myself, so that I can function in the best way to please my Master and have a good life.
When I stayed at home, I chose to watch Netflix for hours instead of fulfilling my tasks. I have not cleaned the toilet and the sink daily, I have not taken the litter out daily, I have not pressed Master’s trousers, I have not mopped the kitchen floor, I have not cleaned my car and I have not scrubbed the cooker properly. I only cooked dinners for my Master to pretend I was eating normally. That too was a lie, because I pretended normality.
When John wanted to have his right to use my body for his pleasure, I only was obedient twice. I asked him several times not to use me and told him lies about the reasons. I said I had talked about bad memories during my therapeutic session, which wasn’t true. I only lied to him because I knew he would accept the given reason. I used his integrity against himself, which makes me not only a liar but also shows what a nasty, dumb pig I am. I have violated the most important rule that exists in our relationship: be honest and upright. I hurt my Master’s feelings in a obnoxious, dishonourable way.
When John found out what I did and did not do this week and he asked me about it, I tried to lie about it again and play it all down. I only admitted everything I’ve done and I’ve not done when he put pressure upon me. I’m disappointed by myself because I should know better.
My punishments are:
- having to have written “LIAR” on my forehead until I have to go to work on Monday
- publishing an honest confession on my blog, while John is having his well-earned relief with someone else
- having my Netflix account blocked out for a month by having John change my password
- having to sleep on the floor for four days, because pigs are not allowed in bed
- tight chastity for two weeks
- eating more than usual, according to what Master tells me, for two weeks. Healthy food and water only. No coffee, no sweets.
I know I didn’t only hurt myself this week, but I also hurt the man I love more than my life. I know he can only take care for me properly when I’m completely honest to him. I broke the rules he lovingly gave to me to improve not only our relationship but also my life. I hurt his feelings in an abominable way by telling lies and I feel ashamed about that. I wish I had not done it. I am awfully sorry, Sir. Please, will You forgive me?