In the past week I had my appointment with the therapist my therapist had recommended. John had taken the day off and was able to drive me there (a 2 hour ride from home). I wouldn’t have been able to drive by myself, because I was shaky and nervous. I hadn’t really slept much during the nights before and was a total mess. I didn’t know what to wear, because I thought if I dressed as a guy, he would not believe me, and if I dressed like a gurl, he would not take me serious. I ended up with trying to dress neutral, which only led to a deeper feeling of worthlessness and dysphoria LOL So after he had witnessed an outburst and then a cry attack, John told me what to wear: a pair of jeans, a shirt and a cardigan, very low-key. I was so thankful for his advice that I cried a bit more. Oh well.
Once in his office, I was getting even more nervous. We had to wait a while, then he greeted us and said he wanted to talk to me alone, if possible. I though I could not make it, but he was kind and said that if I needed John, he could come in in an instance. After the introduction he asked me why I was there, and I thought he was joking, because my therapist had talked to him beforehand. He insisted he wanted to hear it all from me, so I asked him how much time he had LOL He told me not to worry, so I just started talking about…everything, I guess.
I told him about the abuse and that I’m diagnosed with PTSD and other mental disorders and that I’m not capable of living alone (why did I say that?) and that I suffer from eating disorders and selfharm and all that other stuff as well. He just listened and made some notes, but did not interupt me. I thought I was doing it wrong and got nervous. This went on until I had a complete blackout, like I didn’t know who I was and why I was there and nothing. He saw it and asked me about it, but I couldn’t answer him. He asked John to join us and he just grabbed my hand and rubbed my back. Immediately I burst out into tears again. I felt so ashamed, but I couldn’t help it. The therapist got me a glass of water and it took me some more minutes to calm down a bit.
With John by my side, it went better. The therapist wanted to know for how long I’ve been in therapy now and what kind of therapy and all, and I was able to answer him. He wanted to know since when we are together and how we met. Then, finally, he asked me to tell him about my dysphoria. Suddenly I felt a block. I thought if I told him, he would just tell me I’m crazy in the head, but John encouraged me to be open about it. And so I told him what I had told to my GP and my therapist and all the plastic surgeons as well. That for years now I’m feeling the need to alter my body to have boobs and a really tiny, impotent dicklet, but that I don’t feel like a woman and don’t want any surgery down there. That I’m jealous with all the T-girls and want to be like them and that in everyday life I love to dress like a girl, but not for sexual reasons only. He asked me about my beard and my sex drive and my sexlife in general. I felt ashamed to tell him, but I knew that John loved the fact that I had to tell a foreigner what a bitch I am, and that again encouraged me to be honest.
He asked me about how I feel during sex and if I am active. I told him I’m never active and never was (anal passive, oral active, of course). I said that I don’t feel like a woman and that I don’t know anything about how a woman should feel, but that I feel taken and that I love this feeling. He asked me if I masturbate and to which fantasies, and I told him that most time I’m in chastity, but when I masturbate, I think about being taken as well, and I was very honest and told him about my torture fantasies as well. He asked me several more questions about my fantasies and our actual sex-life, then he wanted to know more about chastity. Why, when it started, why again LOL how I cope with it, how everyday life is with it and so on.
When he said he had some questions for John, I was thankful for that break, because I felt exhausted. Although he was very nice and open-minded, it just was so much.
He asked John about how he copes with my disorders and how everyday life is for him. He wanted to know who of us was responsable for taking the first step into BDSM and John told him that it was the two of us and that we both have been into that lifestyle before. He was a sort of impressed by the fact that we have had our wedding (in Germany it’s called eingetragene Lebenspartnerschaft, which is not exactly the same thing as a marriage, but as the law has changed since then it could well be that we might get married officially some day). He emphasized that stable relationships are very important, yet a bit rare among people with my background. Then he wanted to know for how long I have those issues with wanting boobs and all and how John gets along with that in our everyday life. My husband was cute 🙂 He told him that he loves me no matter what and that indeed his desire increased ever since. I mean, is that cute?
At the end of what were 2.5 hours he said that from what he saw and heard that day it is quite clear to him that I suffer from “non-specific gender-disorder” (what a weird term, don’t you think?). He thinks that I need another kind of therapy, because my issues in everyday life arise not only from my PTSD and the other stuff, but also from this. Hearing him say that was a total relief. So much that I had to cry again. He told me that I am not alone with this problem and that there are others like me out there, who don’t identify with being a “real” male or what I call Alpha and who want to be impotent and some even want to amputate their dicks (which I knew before). He said he will write an expertise about it and he recommended a colleague of his for another one, because if I get two expertises to say the same thing about me, I will be able to get medical treatment as well. I asked what exactly this means, and he said that with two expertises I can go to a doctor who will make a test whether I’ve got a male genome, and if so, I can receive blockers for my hormones and, even more, female hormones to help me reach my goals.
I was speechless! I asked him if he didn’t think that this would make my disorders worse, and he replied that he thinks if I don’t do it, it will make my disorders worse… I am so happy right now, I can’t believe it! He also told us that I didn’t have to change my name or my gender, but that I’m free to do it, if I wanted to (I don’t want to…I have made peace with my name and surely I don’t want to be female). Moreover, he recommended attending a self-help group (there is one nearby) and he said that he will talk with my therapist about how they can help me to get to help I need.
For the first time in a couple of years I feel like I can see some light. It was so good to be heard and taken serious, and it was good to hear that I’m not just insane. When I asked him why I feel like I feel, he said that they don’t know why, but that sometimes it’s just in the genes and sometimes it’s caused by abuse and sometimes nothing of that is true, but that in the end it didn’t matter. And that only how I see myself matters.
To tell you the truth, when we came home, I just wanted to eat something and then sleep.