I still exist. Probably nobody still follows me here after such a long time without posting, but that’s alright. I have decided to start to write again to keep track of my life and all. Moreover, I found out that I miss postings and that I really like reading earlier entries 🙂
So, where do I start? Some things have changed, others haven’t.
Over the pasts months my relationship with John has grown even closer, if that’s possible. Coming from an abusive family, I tend to question a person’s decision to stay with me, again and again. I tend to ask him: can you bare my pain? Do you really want to be with me, if there are so many nice guys out there who are a lot less complicated than I am? Do you really love me? Really? REALLY? It’s a bit ironic to know that my questions get him on the nerves but that I can’t stop asking them anyway.
Almost a year ago I was diagnosed with an unspecific gender disorder and I was given the opportunity to decide whether or not I wanted a hormone treatment. I wanted it so badly, I really did. After testing my genetics, I started testosterone blockers and female hormones. To put it short, it was a disaster. My body didn’t get along with estrogen and I developed severe mental issues like dissociation, confusion, forgetfulness and dizziness. But the worst thing was the depression. The doctors told me that my body just needs time to adjust to that treatment, but when I finally wanted to attempt suicide, it was clear that it didn’t work. I was glad to be so alert to tell John when I felt it got out of hand. He immediately told me to stop the hormones and within only three weeks or so I was back to myself. Three weeks he spent home with me, most of the time, because I was in such a mental pain and always on the edge to end this life. Fucked up stuff, those hormones.
So, I had to learn that wishful thinking and reality are two different things. Painful lesson, but I got it. Fantasizing about getting a chemical castration and actually having female hormones in your brain and body are two things. It doesn’t work for me. I was devastated. I had wanted natural boobs so badly I felt like I would never be happy that way, but again my sweet husband took the matter into his own hands. In November I had surgery in the Czech Republic. The doctors were not really sure about all of it, because I had been very clear about how bad things were for me. I still was severely depressed, thinking of myself as the last freak on Mother Earth, but they decided to do the surgery because I obviously was able to tell them I would not get better if I could not have it. We agreed on relatively small implants. Once they said they would do it, I wanted to go mad on boobs, but they convinced me that starting with a C-cup would be too dangerous because I had no implants beforehand and there wasn’t enough space between my skin and the rib cage. Choosing an implant that would be too big might have caused problems with the healing and all. I could relate to that and finally we went for a small B-cup. They told me that once the implants were in place, it all would look bigger than in my hand, and they were right.
I knew there were a lot of shapes for those implants like more ball-like and more treardrop-like. I chose the teardrop-option to make them look more natural. Even though I feared the operation, I was so happy to finally get it done. I would always do it again! No complications at all. Of course it was a tiny bit painful, but not as much as I had feared. Removing the straps was actually more painful than the rest. With silicone implants you have to follow certain rules like not sleeping on them for a while, until the scars are fully healed and so on, but today I can use my boobs as if they were grown and not implanted.
I needed some time to get myself used to the changed feeling I have in the ribcage and in my entire body. Boobs change how you move, how you sit or lay down, how you see yourself and all. Getting used to them is connected with back pain as well. In the first weeks, I only saw them when I looked at myself. What was a game until then, now really is a thing: wearing a bra. I was told to wear a bra for some weeks to support the issue. Now I don’t have to wear a bra, but I do it daily (if not told otherwise). The feeling of actually filling a cup is amazing 🙂 The sensitivity of my nipples has changed, too. Due to the training they already were very sensitive, but pumping them and wearing snake bites during hours made them bigger and softer.
The first time I gave John a boob-job was so intense that I came in the cage. Do I need to say more?
The doctors told my that it would be possible to get larger implants once the tissue has “stretched” a bit, but I don’t think I would want to change them (only if I have to). They are perfect. I can still hide them under my clothes if I want to (especially with wider shirts), but I can also show them off in slinky shirts 🙂 I could not be happier. Well, only if I could give milk 🙂