Raw And Bloody

Well, I accept that sometimes Master has to release pressure and therefore uses me. That’s my duty and I want to be helpful. It doesn’t matter if I’m aroused and ready or if I even want it as long as he wants it, it’s alright for me. I embrace the fact that I’m a fucktoy and a slut. Therefore I am trained and this is my purpose.

So yesterday when he came home from training, he came to me while I was ironing some clothes. He just bend me over the counter by grabbing me by the hair and forcing me down while removing my trousers with a forceful jerk. When it didn’t go as he wanted, he began hitting and yelling at me, until I had managed to get all clothes down. I was wood-hard until then. When he entered me, I was dry and it hurt, so he just used what was handy (liquid starch) to get me wet. I don’t mind using other lubes than actual lube, so doesn’t he. While he fucked me relentlessly, he grabbed my cocklette and deformed and twisted it while it was still hard. The pain was raw, but I could not escape. With his other hand he held me in place, grabbed and tore my hair and hit me.

You know, I really adore the fact that even if he’s ravenous and aroused, he can still control hisself and delay his orgasm. He just seemed to fuck me forever, biting and hitting me, brutalizing and holding me down like an animal, a stupid, brainless fucktoy. It’s not about lve and respect, it’s just about being a hole for him to release anger. In these moments, when I feel all his physical strength, I feel so aroused by being overpowered that I usually don’t manage to cum. It’s as if my irrelevant small dicklette doesn’t even see a sense in trying to cum, because my own pleasure is not required. It’s awesome and I love feeling impotent and useless.

When he was almost there, he dragged me to my knees and shot his load all over my face, then made my lick him clean. Then he just left. No thanks, no sorry, not even a single word. I knelt there with my heart pounding and with my ears numb by the sudden silence. I needed to pause for a moment, and when I got up, I realized the blood on me, on my clothes and the floor. I admit that at first I got frightened for a second, then I smiled and thought how nice it was to see that I can still bleed for him like I was a virgin. It didn’t even hurt. I pulled up my panty and the trousers again, removed the blood from the floor and finished my work there.

Later, when I was done, he sat in the livingroom. He had eaten something and looked relaxed. When he looked up, he saw the stains on my clothes, and he just said “don’t even think of sitting on my sofa”. So I just sat down at his feet, waiting to be used again. Today I feel beaten up and have some bruises. I love that. All his.


No-vember So Far

The last days of No-vember have dawned. So far, this month has been really demanding as I was denied all the way. No T&D, no fucking, just BJs and a lot of humiliation. What started as a throbbing has developed to a modified way of thinking. Whatever I do, wherever I am, I constantly think of cock. I look at other men’s genitals, I think about their cocks, ponder upon occasions I got used by many or upon the satisfaction afterwards, and when John finally allows me to welcome him, I’m so greedy I swallow on his cock dyspneicly and desperately with him laughing at his dumb fuckwhore.

Last week he sent me shopping with a list. Stockings, a garter belt, two or three panties (he calls them “Schlampenhöschen”, which in my opinion is both cute and kinky) and “something you really hate”. It turned out they offered a lot of stuff for reduced prices and I went a bit shopaholic. By now I wear women’s undies only. For everyday life, I like “normal” panties which often just have a little bow at the wristband, but for other occasions, John and I like lace panties. To be honest, after all my experiences concerning the women’s department, I’d say they definitely design some underwear just to make women feel slutty and men treat them like their whores, but maybe that’s just my perverted point of view. But you hardly find any equivalents in the men’s department!

That “something I really hate” turned out to be pants made of very stiff and glossy fabric (as far as I know, there is no specific English word for what it really is. Anyway, in German it’s called a “Miederhose”, so if you know its correct name, let me know please :)). It’s got plenty of ugly quillings and when I saw it hanging there I asked myself whoever would want to buy and actually wear such a desaster LOL John was very pleased with that ugly thing. Some days later, after these pants were washed and dry, he made me wear a diaper and that thing over it. Well, it was then, when something happened I did not expect. It turned my on like hell, even more than those Schlampenhöschen. That was because of two things: it was very tight, especially with the Birdlock underneath, and it was really ridiculous and ugly. That was an odd experience, you know, being turned on by ugly. So, for some days now, I’ve been wearing these pants with a diaper underneath. In the evenings I give it a quick rinse by hand, then dry it on the radiator so that it is ready to be worn right after I got up. John had a good laugh at me, trying to look somewhat pretty with these pants on, and yeah, this humiliation is so tingly… All in all, I guess I have failed to buy “something I really hate” 🙂

The worst thing about No-vember: you’re hoping for December to come, and your Dom’s telling you “I don’t know why you’re so excited about December to come. I don’t recall having said you’d be allowed to come then. I’ve got the keys, remember?”. Oh, I do…

Puja Has Changed

I thought I could give a quick review of how my way of making Puja has changed since I worte about for the last time.

I’ve been continuing to make Puja on an everyday base, but the ritual itself has changed. When I started, I felt offering fire (candle) and smoke (incense) was appropriate. I added flowers and food or drinks whenever I could or felt Lord Shiva wanted me to do so, but from last summer on no longer as a daily routine. I had a lot of conversation with W about it and he said that when people get more familiar with their Gods, their relationship changes. I can actually sense what Lord Shiva wants as an offering. When I first felt He was talking to me, I ignored it and offered what I had in mind, but His voice came back again and again, until I gave in and bought what He wanted. I have experimented with that and found it impossible to deny Him. I guess ignoring Him would have serious effects on our relationship. Whenever I tried to deny Him, I felt sad and incontent without any other reason than His absence or Him feeling mad with me. So I stopped trying to have it my way and began listening closer to Him. I stopped questioning what He demands from me. The incident with the deer was not amusing! But it still gives me a hard time taking this inner voice for real and not doubting my sanity.

So, for the last couple of month I have been offering milk on a daily base and alcoholic drinks whenever I had the occasion. I myself don’t drink alcohol, but when John’s having a glass of wine or so, I offer some draughts. It even happened that I brew a coffee for Lord Shiva 🙂 Instead of rice, I tend to offer bread or breadcrumbs or even some Muesli when I have some handy. First I thought that would not be good enough as bread as we know it and Muesli are not so popular in India, but it turns out Lord Shiva likes it. Since He told me He wanted blood I’ve been offering some meat every now and then, most times when I prepare some for John. Sometimes it gives me a hard time trying to decide what to keep for John and what to offer Lord Shiva, but in most cases Lord Shiva likes the parts I cut away from the meat like fat or rind.

When I started connecting with Lord Shiva I felt very inhibited when I wanted to sing for Him and I can’t say I’ve gotten used to it. I still feel ashamed for myself, including my unability to hold a tone, but obviously Lord Shiva acts like a Dom. He really likes me to do the things I think I can’t handle. He likes to keep it a bit annoying for me. Not in a rude manner, but as a challenge.

It was in late autumn when I found a bracelet of prayer beads and I’ve been wearing it ever since. To me, it’s a bit more handy than my Mala necklace. It reminds me of His omnipresence and in times I feel insecure or lost, it helps to see, feel and touch it, quite like my wedding ring.

When I began dealing with Lord Shiva, I read a lot about Him, but I have stopped that. I found that the information provided in the books fit my experiences only in about 70% and that felt a bit unsettling. W and I had a lot of conversations about that and it was him who told me that a lot of lore concerning his Gods and Goddesses doesn’t fit into his experiences (and that he doesn’t give a damn). I wanted to do it right and to get Lord Shiva right, but even if I wanted to, I can’t go to my local temple and have a goat butchered. That’s why I just try to do what I can to satisfy Him and my spiritual needs as well.

All in all, daily Puja consists of cleaning the altar, bowing to Lord Shiva 18 times, offering some milk in the morning or alcohol in the evening and chanting the OM NAMAH SHIVAYA Mantra 18 times. Wearing the prayer beads has also become a part of my daily Puja. Most times I notice it, I like to think (or chant when I’m alone) the Mantra 3 times.

Just doin’ nuthin’

The art of dominating your sub most times consists of actions such as giving commandos, putting him in cuffs, whipping and all the other beautiful things you can think of. But my Love found out that by doing not much or even nothing at all, he can drive me nuts as well. I have written about this in previous postings, but yesterday evening was such a perfect example for his art of doing nothing that I want to write it down.

After we had dinner, I was a bit dozy and told John I’d lay down for half an hour. He said that would be fine with him, but that he’d like to “add a bit sweetness” to my time in bed. He tied my wrists to the bed to prevent me from touching myself, then pleasurably released me from the Birdlock. I’ve been kept chaste now since Dec 20th, except from a bit T&D every now and then (35 days) and yes, I was longing for an orgasm. But John did not touch me at all. Instead, he attached a little vibro eggwith a bit bondage tape to the bell end and started the slow mode. “Let’s see how long you can prevent yourself from getting horny”. I had to grin, because I already was horny, but the very tender vibration increased my arousal very quickly. “Could you please turn it faster, Sir?”. Usually John does not accept my pleas, but yesterday he smiled and turned that vibro egg to another mode which goes like **—–**—–************ Ugh! He watched me for a moment, then decided to complete the situation by adding a nice plug made of glass which is a bit painful to install but then is very comfortable to wear.

“Seems you’re already very horny, son”, John asserted. I was! “Ok then, have a good time”. Ugh! I asked him whether he would not like to stay with me (because I had hoped for a bit more action), but he just gave me a kiss, settled over to his side of the bed and began reading. I held out for several minutes, then I felt an orgasm building up inside of me, but as the vibration was so tender, I knew I could not make it. That’s why I began pleading for release, several times, but John just didn’t react. When I kindly asked him to touch me again, he stood up without a word and returned with a ball gag. I don’t like that particular gag because it’s a bit too big for me so that my jaws start to hurt when I have to wear it for a while, but John enjoyed the silence that followed.

So we lay there, Master reading and I permanently on the verge of cumming, but not being able to. That’s the point where an hour seems to turn into a whole day and when arousal and desperation change rapidly. And that’s the point where I experience that kind of altered state of consciousness I have already written about.

After a very long while (as it seemed) John turned to me again, pretending not to have noticed me at all. “And? Did you already cum?” I shook my head. John smiled and clicked his tongue. “Well, that’s a pity son, hu?” I nodded. “Let’s see….I’ll give you 5 more minutes. If you don’t manage to cum then, I’ll lock you in again for another 20 days”. Ugh! He returned to his side of the bed and kept reading while I did what I could to support my body. I thought of moments with Master, of pain and lust. I was panting like furious, but John just pretended not to notice me. Then I suddenly felt like I could manage to cum if I would not ruin it by the wrong thoughts. And indeed, after some more vibrations I felt an orgasm begin, very slowly but then icreasing violently. It was unbelievably intense and almost made me faint LOL John did not move, but after I was done he came to me, kised me and said “Good boy”. And that’s it.


Our trip to Berlin was gorgeous but nonetheless demanding. I felt very stressed on thursday when we went off, but during the jorney John kept me occupied with mathematical riddles, regular cups of tea and a quick blowjob on the noisy train toilet. He had granted me to travel without the Birdlock, to “allow to release stress”, if I needed to. Well, I needed to, but more of that later. Plus, he put cuffs around my wrists. Not those leather cuffs with D-rings we use in games, but cuffs made from a stretchy and quite soft material, which are usually used for stabilizing the wrists, and which are understated enough to wear them in public. When enclosed, I feel safe, and they did their job.

Berlin was quite a surprise to me. Although the city is big, most people are very friendly and relaxed. It doesn’t seem to be such a big deal if you’re gay and holding hands in public as it is in the city we live. People are more tolerant. We spent the days strolling around the city, visiting the KaDeWe and the Egyptian Museum, eating (too much), taking photographs and just having a good time. Now and then, there were situations which stressed me, for example as a woman tried to flirt with John until he introduced “his partner” to her, but all in all I’ve been ok.

One thing I know for sure is that it’s no good for me to be unlocked, not at the moment. John permitted me to masturbate whenever I wanted to to release stress and to offer me a kind of bonus for the stress I’d go through during our trip. It started out quite innocent, but on friday my thoughts were spinning around sex and climaxing all the time. Sure it’s prickling, but I was so fixated on thoughts about having sex that I started to lose focus on the things we were doing in that moment. “Honey, look, such a beautiful work of art.” Oh yes, kinda cock, innit? “What do you want for lunch?” A good fuck, Dear. “I hope we’ll catch a taxi.” I hope the driver doesn’t mind me giving you a blowjob. So on early friday afternoon I begged my Master to please encase me again. It did not feel good to be so over-horny as it drew my attention away from moment and changed my loving feelings for John into pure sexual longing. When the lock was barely closed, I felt great relief.

Apart form the more ostensible fun we had, I think your relationship has even deepend. Perhaps it was because we could try out how it feels to use the pet names “Dad” and “son” away from our normal surroundings. Well, still my heart jumps if John calls me son, and still it costs me effort to call him “Dad”, but still I feel snug with it. Moreover, I often thought that I’d love to be more for John that just a friend. I’d like to hear him say “…and this is my husband”. But John made it clear that I’d have to wait until he asks me.

What About Fun?

S read my last post and said briskly, I often sound as if I had no fun at all as I try to break things down into technical processes. I couldn’t get that out of my mind and so I reflected on the question from which things I draw fun and recreation. This is:

  • spending time with John and my friends (when I am with them, I feel save and can relax!)
  • it is a good feeling to be able to handle my chores and I like my space clean and tidy
  • reading
  • being outside in my garden or hiking
  • drawing
  • things I am used to
  • being surrounded by things I like, for example my old and outworn couch
  • watching films
  • snuggling with John
  • playing chess

There might be even more things which provide me with fun such as eating and of course having sex, but I think those are fun for almost everone, aren’t they?


Ich habe von John die Aufgabe bekommen, jeden Tag eine halbe Stunde lang Pornos zu schauen. Ich benutze dafür das Internet. Ich mag Bilder lieber als Filme, weil Bilder immer noch einen gewissen Spielraum für die eigene Interpretation / Fantasie lassen und Filme eigentlich nicht. Die Aufgabe zielt darauf, dass ich erregt werde, aber weiterhin im Birdlock bin, aber ich habe gemerkt, dass die Aufgabe für mich noch aus einem anderen Grund schwierig ist. Ich bin nämlich sehr ablenkbar. Und weil ich auch neugierig bin, kommt es oft vor, dass ich hier und da klicke und dann auf einmal ganz woanders bin, auch vom Thema her. Dadurch erfülle ich meine Aufgabe nicht richtig. Das Internet ist für mich sehr verlockend. Es ist so groß und interessant und es gibt soviel zu sehen, das mir gefällt. Die Community der Comiczeichner finde ich cool, aber ich weiß, dass ich sehr viel Zeit damit verbringen würde, mich mit anderen auszutauschen, und dann würde mein echtes Leben darunter leiden. So war es schon einmal, ungefähr vor 8 Jahren. Ich denke, ich war internetsüchtig. Es ist alles eher lose, man verpflichtet sich nicht, und dadurch flattert der Geist dann auch sehr von Thema zu Thema. Die visuellen und auditiven Reize überfordern mich manchmal, dann dissoziiere ich und merke, wie ich wieder die enge Verbindung zu meinem Körper verliere. Chats funktionieren ähnlich, sie suggerieren Nähe, wo keine ist.

Man bekommt dann auch das Gefühl, dass man immer über alles informiert sein muss, was ja von vorneherein nicht geht, aber dann meldet man sich zu Newslettern an oder bei Social Networks und braucht dann vielleicht noch ein Smartphone, damit man immer up to date ist. Das überfordert mich. Ich schaffe das nicht, jedenfalls nicht ohne einen Teil von meinem echten Leben zu verlieren. Ich schaffe es auch nicht, in einem gesunden Maß fern zu sehen. Ich neige dann dazu, zu versuchen, alles gleichzeitig zu sehen und zu verstehen, was gar nicht geht. Und das frustriert mich dann, weswegen ich beim Fernsehen nicht entspannen kann. Es ist ein Teufelskreis, den ich nur durchbrechen kann, wenn ich nicht erst damit anfange. Meistens ist es so, dass John und ich gemeinsam fernsehen. Wir schalten nicht um, sondern schauen eine Sendung und dann macht er den Apparat aus. Durch John habe ich wieder mehr zum Lesen gefunden. Eigentlich ist es auch gemütlicher, wenn man zusammensitzt, liest und Tee trinkt, als wenn der Fernseher plärrt. Ich glaube, das hängt mit meiner Behinderung zusammen.

Ich habe jetzt die ersten Kommentare auf meinem Blog bekommen. Im ersten Moment hat es mich erschreckt, weil ich dachte, es gibt ja wirklich Leute, die das alles hier lesen. Bis dahin war es einfach so geschrieben, jetzt überlege ich schon, ob es andere interessiert. Ich habe noch immer den Zettel an meinem Platz hängen, den ich mir ganz am Anfang vom Bloggen gemacht habe: achte auf deine Privatsphäre! Es war mein Bruder, der mich daran erinnert hat. Für ihn ist es schlecht, dass ich hier so offen schreibe, aber ich finde das wichtig für mich. Ich muss mich erinnern.

Es ist so, dass ich denke, ich sollte mich für Kommentare revanchieren, indem ich auch welche schreibe und viele andere Blogs besuche. Man sagt auch, dass man mehr Leser kriegt, wenn man woanders etwas schreibt. Aber es ist einfach so, dass ich das nicht schaffe. Ich habe Angst, dass ich mich dann wieder verliere und dass mein Tagesablauf auf der Bahn gerät. Ich habe ja nicht nur die Arbeit im Laden, ich muss auch meine Aufgaben zuhause machen und einkaufen und alles, und für Lord Shiva möchte ich jeden Tag eine Puja machen. Ich lese jetzt schon andere Blogs, auch von anderen Schwulen und BDSM-Anhängern, aber ich schaffe nicht mehr. Ich will niemanden damit verletzen. John sagt, keep focussed and behave yourself. Ich versuche das, aber mir ist auch bewusst, dass es echte Menschen sind, mit denen ich zu tun habe und die Gefühle haben, die ich nicht verletzen möchte.